A couple of months ago, my friend Adam passed around a great email called "Dougie's Goin' Deep Tonight!" It was very funny, about a fictional day in the life of Sox backup catcher Doug Mirabelli. I deleted it too soon, but I did a search on the Internet not long ago, and I found what I believe was the original post. It was from back in 2004, as there are a few references to Nomar Garciaparra in it. With the Red Sox in a rain delay tonight at Fenway, I thought I'd put it on my blog. Enjoy. (Some of it is a little "R" rated in places.)
Doug Mirabelli's Day
9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.
9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.
9:03 Drinks three raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.
9:05 Takes out leftovers from the Kowloon Pupu Platter for three he picked up last night.
9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.
9:17 Takes a dump.
9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.
9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.
9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight!"
9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.
9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow.
9:57 Pulls onto Route 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.
10:15 Pulls into Fenway Park, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in.
10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family's life if there is one scratch on his truck.
10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni.
10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.
10:30 Gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo.
10:33 Stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him.
10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield.
10:45 Takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game?"
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling.
10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K'S.
11:17 Writes back response to fan's letter: "Hey P***y, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Nomar."
11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on.
11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the five bunts standard procedure.
11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8.
11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike.
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.
12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives.
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker.
12:15 Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, calls Francona a p***y. Francona runs behind Schilling.
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight!"
12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Nomar's $350 silk shirt to wipe his a**.
1:05 Game starts, Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling.
1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Portland (AA Eastern League) by 7 tonight.
1:55 Dougie's four Fenway Franks arrive, pays with Nomar's credit card.
2:15 Finishes shopping with Nomar’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.
2:30 Dozes off.
3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield.
3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit.
4:30 Sox lose game, Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him, Francona runs away.
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p**sies.
5:30 Dougie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.
5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.
6:00 Dougie see’s name in lineup, calls Francona a p***y for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling.
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup.
6:25 Announces that Dougie is going deep tonight.
6:30 Dinner arrives, two steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat.
6:35 Dougie gives D-Lowe an atomic wedgie.
7:00 Tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt.
7:10 Scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching.
7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep.
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.
7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it.
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie.
8:16 Fans boo Dougie.
8:17 Dougie tells family of four to @#%$ off and steals some kid's hot dog on way to dugout.
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.
9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies.
9:30 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a p***y and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home.
9:50 Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe's Dan Shaughnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him.
9:55 Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee.
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.
10:10 Cuts off 4 Red Sox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.
10:25 Arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Route 1.
10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for three.
12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.
12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield.
12:15 Walks into house naked and screams "who saw the bomb I hit tonight???"
12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.
12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.
12:55 Pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch.
So now whenever Mirabelli comes up for the Red Sox, those immortal words stick in my head:
"Dougie's Goin' Deep Tonight!!"