A couple of months ago, my friend Adam passed around a great email called "Dougie's Goin' Deep Tonight!" It was very funny, about a fictional day in the life of Sox backup catcher Doug Mirabelli. I deleted it too soon, but I did a search on the Internet not long ago, and I found what I believe was the original post. It was from back in 2004, as there are a few references to Nomar Garciaparra in it. With the Red Sox in a rain delay tonight at Fenway, I thought I'd put it on my blog. Enjoy. (Some of it is a little "R" rated in places.)
Doug Mirabelli's Day
9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.
9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.
9:03 Drinks three raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.
9:05 Takes out leftovers from the Kowloon Pupu Platter for three he picked up last night.
9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.
9:17 Takes a dump.
9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.
9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.
9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight!"
9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.
9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow.
9:57 Pulls onto Route 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.
10:15 Pulls into Fenway Park, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in.
10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family's life if there is one scratch on his truck.
10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni.
10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.
10:30 Gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo.
10:33 Stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him.
10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield.
10:45 Takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game?"
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling.
10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K'S.
11:17 Writes back response to fan's letter: "Hey P***y, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Nomar."
11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on.
11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the five bunts standard procedure.
11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8.
11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike.
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.
12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives.
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker.
12:15 Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, calls Francona a p***y. Francona runs behind Schilling.
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight!"
12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Nomar's $350 silk shirt to wipe his a**.
1:05 Game starts, Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling.
1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Portland (AA Eastern League) by 7 tonight.
1:55 Dougie's four Fenway Franks arrive, pays with Nomar's credit card.
2:15 Finishes shopping with Nomar’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.
2:30 Dozes off.
3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield.
3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit.
4:30 Sox lose game, Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him, Francona runs away.
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p**sies.
5:30 Dougie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.
5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.
6:00 Dougie see’s name in lineup, calls Francona a p***y for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling.
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup.
6:25 Announces that Dougie is going deep tonight.
6:30 Dinner arrives, two steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat.
6:35 Dougie gives D-Lowe an atomic wedgie.
7:00 Tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt.
7:10 Scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching.
7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep.
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.
7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it.
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie.
8:16 Fans boo Dougie.
8:17 Dougie tells family of four to @#%$ off and steals some kid's hot dog on way to dugout.
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.
9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies.
9:30 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a p***y and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home.
9:50 Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe's Dan Shaughnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him.
9:55 Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee.
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.
10:10 Cuts off 4 Red Sox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.
10:25 Arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Route 1.
10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for three.
12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.
12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield.
12:15 Walks into house naked and screams "who saw the bomb I hit tonight???"
12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.
12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.
12:55 Pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch.
So now whenever Mirabelli comes up for the Red Sox, those immortal words stick in my head:
"Dougie's Goin' Deep Tonight!!"
We need more Dougie days!
This is great to see again!
It has long-standing ramifications as well. Every time Dougie comes up to bat, someone in Fenway yells "Dougie's goin' DEEEP!".
Thanks for this. :)
My pleasure, Beazer. This post has brought literally thousands of fans here to my site, especially when Doug does something special (and even if he's just in the lineup). Thanks to you, and everyone else, for stopping by.
That's just plain hilarious. Wow.
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