"I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media," Clemens said in the statement. "Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."
"Specifically," Clemens added, "I've been unfaithful in my marriage pretty much right from the get-go. So, sorry about that. Plus I've generally been an asshole to my wife and kids. There's also this perception that I'm a huge money-grubbing douchebag, which, I must say, has more truth to it than Rusty Hardin or any of my henchmen would ever admit. Additionally, as a boy, I was fond of stoning small animals to death from 15 or 20 feet away. I loved it. I tricked myself into thinking it was a budding pitcher's way of honing his control. That was bullshit. All apologies for it. Sorry about the succession of age-inappropriate hairstyles I've been sporting over the last decade or so, too. And kudos to my kids for not caring that much that I named them all with the same letter, the one that signifies a strikeout in the baseball-scoring kode. Sorry, Koby, Kory, Kacy, Kody. Sorry to you, too, Kevin, our fifth child that nobody knows about, because when you turned out to be a girl, we threw you down the well. Tough break. Really sorry."
"So, to recap," Clemens said, "sorry about a lifetime of atrocious conduct, but I never did HGH. If you believe that, now, I'm sorry you feel that way."
Actually, just the first paragraph was what The Texas Con Man issued, the rest was by my buddy Adam from Maine. (Thanks for the laugh my friend!) No, Clemens didn't apologize for using steroids. Just to his family and his fans. (Does he still have any? That is, family and fans?)
The comedy continues.